1. |
Punk Rock Friends
03:07
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Well your punk rock friends are broke
and they sure enjoy their cigarettes
they wouldn't say no if you were to
buy them some cigarette
Well your punk rock friends are broke
and they finally quit their fascist jobs
they wonder if it'd be cool if they could
crash at your place
But they assure you that it won't be longer than 2... or 3
months
and they wonder when it was that you sold out
you used to be punk
and how your nothing more than a fat corporate pig
and they won't shut up about going off-the-grid
Well your punk rock friends are broke
and they've got punk rock wishes
but right now they gotta buy PBR and
wash punk rock dishes
Well your punk rock friends are broke
they're a little pissed off, I reckon
they're gonna slam your door
and use your stereo... to blast 7 seconds.
And your punk rock friends grew rat tails and jumped locomotives
and your punk rock friends got bandanas and questionable movites
they got clothes that're black, and khaki and olive drab
and besides that ratty dog (on a rope)
everything they own (including dope)
can fit inside an army surplus bag
Well your punk rock friends are broke
and they think your show is weak
But they wouldn't mind if you could get in to the show for free
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2. |
Portland Man
02:11
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He got tight pants (high waters)
white belt (doesn't matter)
He got a squiggly design on his v-neck shirt
5 o'clock shadow and his feelings are hurt
He's got principles (I believe him)
LAST YEAR HE WAS ALMOST TOTALLY VEGAN
He heard about your favorite band before you did
you read it in mojo (he already knew it)
Chorus:
He's a..... Portland man
Portland man
He's a..... Portland man
He's got lady friends (ad infinitim)
longboards (oh, he'll ride 'em)
he knows a little place that has the best soy latte
he's got perfect hair, and glitter on his body
He rocks facial hair (with irony)
he digs mp3 piracy
his cigarette brand? (american spirits)
you like his messenger bag? don't get near it
chorus
He's a...
adorable hipster, but he's gaining weight
because that pabst blue ribbon tastes so great
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3. |
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well I stayed up real late
on christmas eve this year
I was waiting for Santa
cause I didn't believe that he was real
So it came as a bit of a shock
when he walked through my front door
moaning nobody believes in me no more
yup Santa claus needed a drink
well who was I to stop him
so we grabbed a bottle of bourbon
and we drank til we hit the bottom
so don't be surprised on christmas day
if your presents don't appear
see santa claus is pretty damn hungover this year
Well I slept in a little late
on the morning of the day of xmas
there were daggers behind my eyes
and I could barely keep down my breakfast
I clutched my head and stumbled around
just trying to remain upright
when I tripped over santa claus, I guess he the spent the night
Chorus
see santa claus got pretty fucking shithoused...this year
Santa Claus thought that rumplemintz shots at 4am in the hot tub with those exotic dancers that we met at Ole's was a good idea... this year
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4. |
Megan Lannegan
04:27
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I've become a hard luck case
a joy postponer
since I dipped my print head in the company toner
but I remember a time
when you wanted me for your own
It started off sweet as an office courtship
I was the gas station queso
to your bag of corn chips
and our cubicle romance blossomed
over the phone
Well it's been weird for me, sexually
since you got promoted over me
it's been weird for me to accept this new position
it's been weird for me, so weird for me
since you got promoted over me
and I think that stress it could be causin' this condition
Chorus:
Megan Lanneghan, you may be my assistant manager
but you're not... the boss of my heart
Megan Lanneghan you may be, my assistant manager
but you're not... the boss of my heart
Oh..... oh... I'm falling apart
Well last Friday at the office you were wearing the same skirt suit that you wore
the very first day that you were hired
well I always thought that the next time
you'd wear dress, would be in my corner office
the one to which I aspired
But, oh.... oh
Megan Lanneghan it's your office now and I won't come in
because you're not the boss of my heart
Megan Lanneghan you may be, my assistant manager
but you're not... the boss of my heart
Oh..... oh... I'm falling apart
kazoo solo
Well it's been weird for me, sexually
since you got promoted over me
it's been weird for me to accept this new position
it's been weird for me, so weird for me
since you got promoted over me
and I think that stress it could be causin' this condition
Chorus:
Megan Lanneghan, you may be my assistant manager
but you're not... the boss of my heart
Megan Lanneghan you may be, my assistant manager
but you're not... the boss of my heart
Oh..... oh... I'm falling apart
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5. |
UPS Girl
04:22
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Well you always come to see me bringing packages
and not just make-up gifts
after our imaginary arguments
Well I told you before that's not necessary baby
and you respond curtly by saying never....
call me baby again.
Chorus:
I'm the UPS Girl
I'm the UPS Girl
This is just my job
I'm the UPS Girl
I'm the UPS Girl
We aren't going out, this is just my job
Well you seemed a bit upset
so I decided to cheer you up
and you looked surprised when I
brought you lasagna at work
It's you that I forever adore
so I pronounced my intentions at the UPS Store
And this is what you shouted as you went berserk
Chorus
Well I wondered if you'd wondered if the two of us
could good together
The prospect of our courtship does enthuse me
So I decided that the next time that you came to bring me presents
I would ask you out to go and see a movie
Your my UPS Girl-friend
Your my UPS Girl-friend
Your my UPS Girl-friend
Your my UPS Girl-friend
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6. |
Drank Too Much
02:13
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someone drank too much today...... *it was me!*
no me!
Well then, someone did 4 lines of speed......
pause
*this one is all you*
well sometimes that's just what it takes
you gotta follow a mistake with a bigger mistake
there's no rock star trophy for responsibility
Oh waitress, it is apparent
that we need a round of shots for that table of parents
did I mention they said they'd be buying shots for me? Well it's true!
Yeah, I swear to you it's true
They are shaking their head no because they mean, "It's no problem for us to buy shots for Shane"
ad lib, etcetera
Just because we're handsome doesn't mean we don't have flaws
When we're drinking, it seems worse because
You.... probably need a refill
You.... probably need a drink
Repeat first verse
And the celestial chorus
says you should come and join us
hilarity and awesomeness abound
And sure tomorrow's gonna suck
but there won't be no work if no one shows up
and is it okay if you pick up this round
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7. |
Automobile
03:22
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You're a pretty girl I wonder how you would feel
about a ride with me in my automobile
I'm a gentlemen of that you shouldn't worry
I promised your father we'd be back by 8:30
Though you are lovely, I'll restrain myself
Here. Let me fasten your safety belt.
The road ahead is bumpy, hard and long
Ooh. Turn the wireless up. This is my favorite ludacris song
Mmm-hmmm in the moonlight I should say it's romantic
Let your hair down, no need to panic
I don't mind if you lean in nearer
Whoops. Oh my goodness, I've unhooked your braziere.
Chorus:
And that, my dear, is how I do it
Life is short, no time to waste
I promise on each and every car ride
that you and I will make it, well at least to second base
You're a pretty girl, you look hot... I mean in all those layers
What say you and I unburden you of your cares... and also your knickers
Not only for my sake, I know I'm a man, though
I just thought you'd be comfortable if we went commando
Oh my, you're lovely, nothing will ever come between us
Here, can you hold this? What is it? It's my penis
Chorus
Oh my dear, there won't be regretting
I wrote my master's thesis on heavy petting
Life's so short, well what do you say?
I think that I...... should service your vajayjay
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8. |
The 10 Commandments
03:52
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Oooohhh... God doesn't want you to steal
swear or drink or have fun
God doesn't want you to shoot a
potato canon or a paintball gun
"What can we do?"
Well it's easy to remember
if it makes you feel good
you're probably a sinner
Oooh... God doesn't want you to fuck
and especially not with sex toys
except if yer a priest you get fellatio with altar boys
I know that that might seem like a double standard
but when he made the rules.. he was fucking hammered.
God wants to see you at church
except if you're a hindu
muslim buddhist pagan
scientologist or hebrew
I know that god says you ought to love your neighbor
c'mon, that just looks good on paper
God doesn't want you to kill or cast any covetous glances
and when God's in Oklahoma
he doesn't want any of your footloose dances
I know Kevin Bacon seems like he's pretty swell
But take it from me.. he's going to hell
Well while we're on the subject of who's gonna burn in hell
it's pretty much everyone you ever met
and everyone else as well
methodists mormons jehovia's witness
lutherans catholics and 7th day adventistists... are gonna to hell
that's right, even presbetyrians as well
God doesn't want you to fuck
or at least try not to enjoy it
sex for procreation is the only way you should deploy
i know that that might seem like a bit of a waste
but I have it on good authority
that when he made the rules for you and me
he didn't want us ballin' for fun till the pearly gates
and even though... we won't have genitals in the afterlife
well the good news is that we'll be too busy to even miss 'em
there's all those lightning bolt throwin practices
and halo polishing contests
to entertain us during breaks from church
yeah it gets worse
the only ones up here self-righteous jerks
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9. |
Trailer Park Moms
03:00
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Oh trailerpark moms are the funnest moms because they let you smoke weed
trailer park moms are the funnest moms cause they get drunk and yell at the tv
trailer park moms are the funnest moms cause they let you pet the cat with cherry bombs
trailer park moms are the funnest moms cause they let you smoke weed
and the only thing better in the world than dating a trailer park girl
is dating a girl with a trailer park mom
cause she's guaranteed to be hot
and if she's not
she's like 100% likely to try and make it with you
like maybe she walks out of the shower topless
cause she "forget" that you were there
yeah, that's the kind of shit that a guy could get used to
and I used to. Oh yeah I used to.
Oh trailerpark moms are the funnest moms, two words "wolf t-shirt"
Oh trailerpark moms are the funnest moms, two more words "sans bra"
Oh trailerpark moms are the some special ladies, enjoyings keno machines, bisquits and gravy
trailerpark moms are the funnest moms because they let you smoke weed
and the only thing better in the world than dating a trailer park girl
is dating a girl with a trailer park mom
cause she's guaranteed to be hot
and if she's not
she's like 100% likely to punch you in the face during sex
She says she's sorry over some malt liquor
she just "forget" that you were there
yeah, that's the kind of shit that a guy could get used to
and I used to. Oh yeah I used to.
Oh trailerpark moms are the funnest moms cause they put the Grrr in Cougar
Trailerpark moms are the funnest moms cause they let you smoke reefer
and if that's not what you need
a slutty older lady and some weed
Then you, my friend, have bigger problems
Please don't get me wrong, I just love trailerpark moms
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10. |
Moderation Town
01:45
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You know in life it's important to have goals defined clear
so tonight, I decided
I'm going to drink 300 cans of beer
Well they say nothing in the world's more imporant than your health
so just now, I decided
I'm going to eat 3 pepperoni pizzas by myself
True love, true love
it's the most imporant thing in the world
so just now, I decided
I'm going to kiss 300 kinds of girls
even puerto ricans
and I'm going to eat 3 pepperoni pizzas by myself
and that's just this weekend
and I'm going to drink 300 cans of beer
and kill a policeman
Oh I... I'm going down.
I guess it's time to move to moderation town
Oh and I... didn't really want to say this.
But I think there's a chance, that Jerry might be a little bit racist.
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Shane Hickey and His Magical Ukulele... and Jerry recommends:
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