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about

There just aren't enough novelty religious songs these days, right? I'm sure there are tons of folks out there thinking, "You know what I want? I want a mild chuckle _and_ to be forever condemned to the bowels of hell!" Or, at least, I hope they are out there.

lyrics

Oooohhh... God doesn't want you to steal
swear or drink or have fun
God doesn't want you to shoot a
potato canon or a paintball gun
"What can we do?"
Well it's easy to remember
if it makes you feel good
you're probably a sinner

Oooh... God doesn't want you to fuck
and especially not with sex toys
except if yer a priest you get fellatio with altar boys
I know that that might seem like a double standard
but when he made the rules.. he was fucking hammered.

God wants to see you at church
except if you're a hindu
muslim buddhist pagan
scientologist or hebrew
I know that god says you ought to love your neighbor
c'mon, that just looks good on paper

God doesn't want you to kill or cast any covetous glances
and when God's in Oklahoma
he doesn't want any of your footloose dances
I know Kevin Bacon seems like he's pretty swell
But take it from me.. he's going to hell

Well while we're on the subject of who's gonna burn in hell
it's pretty much everyone you ever met
and everyone else as well
methodists mormons jehovia's witness
lutherans catholics and 7th day adventistists... are gonna to hell
that's right, even presbetyrians as well

God doesn't want you to fuck
or at least try not to enjoy it
sex for procreation is the only way you should deploy
i know that that might seem like a bit of a waste
but I have it on good authority
that when he made the rules for you and me
he didn't want us ballin' for fun till the pearly gates

and even though... we won't have genitals in the afterlife
well the good news is that we'll be too busy to even miss 'em
there's all those lightning bolt throwin practices
and halo polishing contests
to entertain us during breaks from church
yeah it gets worse
the only ones up here self-righteous jerks

credits

from Live at the VFW, track released August 14, 2012

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Shane Hickey and His Magical Ukulele... and Jerry Missoula, montana

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